Date : Sunday, December 16, 2007
Time : 12:23 AM
Title : mendak.

Daes went by when i felt confident that my life wld b ok, and den as quickly as the feeling came it wld disappear and i wld feel sadness setting in again. I tried to find a routine i cld fall into so dat i felt as though i belonged in my body and my body belonged in life, instead of wandering arnd like zombie, watchin everybody else live theirs. Unfortunately the routine hadn't turned out exactly as i hoped it wld. I found myself immobile in the room, reliving every single memory dat i n aris had shared. I spend most of my time at werk n also that time thinking about every argument we'd had, wishing i cld take back every horrible werd i had said to aris. I prayed dat aris had known my werds had only been spoken in anger and dat we had not reflected my true feelings. I tortured myself for times i had acted selfishly. I chastised myself for walking away from him when i shld have hugged him. I wanted to take back every moment i knew he had been so angry wif me n hated me. I wished all my memories were of the good tymes but the bad times kept coming back to haunt me.

There were my happy daes, when i wld walk arnd in a daydream wif nuthing but a smile on my face, catching myself giggling as i walked down the street when a joke of ours wld suddenly pop into my head. Then i wld fall into days of deep depression; then finally build up the strength to b positive and to snap out of it for another few daes. But tiniest and simplest thing wld trigger off my tears again. That was my routine. It was a tiring process and most of the time i cldn't b bothered battling wif my mind. It was far stronger than my body. Friends came n went; sometimes helping me wif my tears, other times making me laugh. But even in my laughter there was something missing. I never seemed to b truly happy; i just seemed to b passing time till i waited for something else. I also knew dat ppl said dat one dae i wld b happy again n dat this feeling wld just be a distant memory. It was getting to dat feeling dat was hard to part.I read n reread aris past msges over n over again, analysing each werd n sentence.

Now it was time to stop hiding in the dark and to hold my head up high and come face to face wif the truth..